[This story appears in the current January/February 2019 issue of Boston Spirit magazine. Subscribe for free today.]
There has been an important shift towards diversity and inclusion in the elder care world that mirrors a trend in the mainstream sector.
In Massachusetts, more senior centers and elder service providers are undergoing cultural competency training to be more welcoming to LGBT older adults. This marks a huge leap forward in social progress, but it doesn’t pave the way for LGBT older adults to start lining up at the door of their senior center. What holds them back is what those in the field of LGBT Aging, call “the final frontier,” specifically, the inclusion and acceptance of LGBT elders by their heterosexual senior peers.
Many LGBT older adults fear that they will be discriminated, harassed or bullied if they should venture into the spaces dominated by heterosexual seniors. Their concerns are not completely unwarranted. It is their peers who received the same messages decades ago that homosexuality was a sin, immoral and illegal. A recent study in Public Opinion Quarterly found that older Americans are more likely to hold anti-gay views compared to younger populations. This makes sense because younger generations have been exposed to more diversity and have been much better at navigating the tremendous social change that has occurred in the last 30 years.
Unfortunately, many LGBT older adults never get the chance to test out the waters for themselves, because they perceive they will not be welcome and never venture outside LGBT spaces. But two local gay seniors are paving the way and changing hearts and minds.
Dennis DeMello, 79, and Joseph Carcerano, 75, have been together for 56 years. They met in 1962 when they were 18 and 22. Dennis said they waited to move in together until Joe turned 21 so his family wouldn’t be upset. And on the morning of his 21st birthday Joe was at Dennis’ doorstep and the two haven’t been apart since. They even spent the last 19 years working together at Bank of Boston before they retired; Joe in 1997 and Dennis in 2000. The couple wanted to stay active and engaged in their retirement, so they started attending some of the LGBT friendly congregate meals. They would drive to Cambridge one week, Salem another week, then to Jamaica Plain and to Sharon.
Dennis and Joe enjoyed these gatherings but they didn’t enjoy all the driving. Ironically, the Veronica Smith Senior Center was just a couple blocks from their house in Brighton, but they never thought of going there. On a whim, they decided to attend one of the center’s daily luncheons. They felt welcomed as soon as they walked through the doors. Both men share a similar value of giving back to the community, so by the end of that lunch they met with the staff at Veronica Smith about volunteering. That was nearly 10 years ago, and the men have been an integral fixture at the senior center ever since.
If you spend any time at Veronica Smith you see how indispensable the couple has become. They are involved with everything. One minute a staff member is asking one of them to decorate a flyer, the next someone asks them advice on the planning of the center’s holiday party. Veronica Smith Executive Director Cynthia Woolcock says, “Dennis and Joe are the life of the center and that has been true since the first day they walked in here. Everyone loves them, they liven the place up. You can tell when they are not here and the seniors ask, “Where are the boys?” Before they came, no one really spoke to each other or knew anyone’s name. Now the boys have made the center like a one big family where everyone is on a first name basis.
During the holidays the center is decorated top to bottom, with giant snowmen, bedazzled Christmas trees and festive decorations in every available space. This is all thanks to Dennis and Joe—they bring in every single decoration. In addition to running the luncheon three days a week, Dennis leads a weekly Pokeno card game and teaches a crafting class, and they both help out with all the big events at the center. Joe was even recently asked to join the Veronica Smith board of directors.
Dennis and Joe say the seniors there are all straight and they don’t have any problem with them being gay. “We were accepted the minute we arrived.” Dennis adds they tease him when one of the ladies catches him eating a second doughnut; she waves a finger and says, “I am going to tell your husband.” One of their favorite memories happened in 2012 when all the seniors surprised the couple with a cake after the two men were officially married on their 50th anniversary.
The couple have made some wonderful friends at Veronica Smith, which has become the social hub of their lives. When Ethos, the Boston elder service provider that sponsors the daily luncheons at Veronica Smith, was launching a new LGBT-friendly meal site at Goddard House, the boys brought two of their straight female friends to the opening reception. The women had such a laugh because everyone thought they were a couple.
Woolcock says that she hopes that all the work that Dennis and Joe have done at the center will pay off and more LGBT seniors will start participating in their events, “We are ready and waiting” she says.
And that is also the hope of those of us in the field of LGBT aging. If two LGBT seniors can “boldly go where no other gay seniors have gone before,” then there is hope that the barriers that have separated these two wonderful communities will start to come down and folks will realize, just like they have done at Veronica Smith, that there is more that unites us than divides us.
Bob Linscott is assistant director of the LGBT Aging Project at The Fenway Institute.
